Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
everyone’s a critic
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
shut up and take my money
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.