Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
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If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.