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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
This is painfully accurate 😅
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no