This is painfully accurate 馃槄
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me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you鈥檝e been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that鈥檚 cool i didn鈥檛 know my flight included a dental cleaning
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
God: you鈥檙e a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I鈥檓 a bird but I can鈥檛 fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN鈥橳.
Kiwi: really what鈥檚 that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Her: What鈥檇 you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what鈥檚 that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That鈥檚 not the sauce… I don鈥檛 know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You鈥檙e gonna die.