I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.