when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
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Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
A classic…
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…