Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11