Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done