16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
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Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.