Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
You Might Also Like
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
i think both sides are to blame here
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’