Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
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[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Word!
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
He is just living hist best little life 😊
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off