[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
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Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s