How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I love it all
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner