Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
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Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
what the hell pray for carter everyone
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
🙀🙀🙀😹
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!