i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
You Might Also Like
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.