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Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
😂😂😂
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks