Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Thank you corporation very cool
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be