[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
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Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Just ordered me some pizza!
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.