@mattytalks I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
@junejuly12 [Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
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@mattytalks 
@Laser_Cat Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
@Kyle_Lippert Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
@AllanForsyth A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
@IamJackBoot Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
@StumblerTop Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
@DrunjAF …and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
@AnkCoupleTO I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
@ChrisIsJoking My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
@jjhartinger ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.