You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.


After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.


Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!


The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️


My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain


I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”


Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.


5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves