You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
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there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.