@Xalqee

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

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@5hael

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

@Shariv67

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

@girl_a_whirl

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

@MelvinofYork

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

@kelkulus

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

@torrami

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

@notmythirdrodeo

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves