You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.