I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving