I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
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