I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first
Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.