I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
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Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.