Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Passwords are more important than ever.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is