{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
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the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Finally, an explanation.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.