*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
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High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”