[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
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WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!