Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Aaaa…CHOO!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
#ParentingFacts
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.