[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
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My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.