5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
You Might Also Like
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?