One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment