Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
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Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not