I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
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Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.