Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.