“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
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It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Cashiers are always checking me out
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.