me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
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Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
thank god the sign was there
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Butt weight. There’s more!
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser