Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas