When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
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[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave