Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
A French press is when you hug naked
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.