instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
You Might Also Like
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
sistine chapel
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”