“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
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Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
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I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”