My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
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I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
*limbos away from your hug*
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!