People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
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anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.