she would like to bark at the manager, please.
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Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.