I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
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Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero