there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Expect the unexporcupine.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women