the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Me trying to walk in a dream
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.