I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
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today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
We need more people like this.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.