me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Cheer up.