You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
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Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
*lint rolls you awake*
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.