there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
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Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
This line from Airplane.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Goat cheese is for herders.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
asking santa clause for nudes